When “we” becomes “I”, priorities change
When a relationship comes to an end, especially if you were living together or otherwise legally or logistically entangled, a lot of decisions have to be made, plans changed, and lines redrawn. I remember quite acutely the feeling of shock I had when my marriage ended and I realised that we were no longer on the same team, but two individuals whose best interests were not necessarily aligned.
If you’ve spent a long time factoring someone else into your choices and priorities, it might be hard to adjust to being the sole decision maker for your life. How do you choose where to put your time, energy and focus, when you’ve lost the social scaffolding that was holding you up?
The answer lies in identifying your personal priorities, underpinned by your core values. That can be a pretty nebulous concept, so maybe think about it this way: what were the last few times you felt strongly about something? What common themes are underneath those emotional responses?
For example, perhaps you had a wonderful time catching up with an old friend and playing “do you remember?”, and on another occasion were hurt and upset by a cousin you’ve known your whole life misspelling your name on a card. That might suggest that one of your core values is to be known and remembered by the people in your life.
Another way to approach this is to ask other people what values they associate with you, or if that feels too vulnerable, ask them what memories they have of you.
By doing this kind of exercise, I've come to recognise that my top values are:
Independence - the ability to make my own choices and follow my own path
Rest - the chance to listen to my body and my mind, and take care of myself
Justice - the privilege of fighting to ensure everyone has access to the same opportunities
Honesty - the drive to be truthful and transparent, even if it's scary
Humour - the skill of finding something to smile about on the hardest day
In the years since my marriage fell apart, I have had to make a lot of big decisions with significant financial implications. Falling back on these core values helped me to see what the best path was, even though it often looked very different from the one I’d been walking alongside my now-ex wife. As a result, I’ve built a life I’m delighted by, with a financial situation I can feel secure in.
It’s normal to look backwards at what you used to have and have lost, but once the dust settles on the ruins of your imagined future, you can start to glimpse the potential on the horizon. Who knows? Perhaps it will turn out to be better.
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